I'm back in the UK and staying with my mum for a while. I'm enjoying the endless tea and the long chats, and I am reminded that no matter how adult and independent you get, your mum will always give you cake and hugs and explain everything to you as if you're new round here, even through you've been visiting for years.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
::I've got the sound of silence ringing in my ears. It's very very loud, deafening even, but I realise I've been drowning it out with inane tv for the last days and it's probably time to get to know the sound again.::
::Meditation, cups of tea, reading, walks, roast butternut squash. These things are good. Alcohol and wallowing and not getting dressed. These things are bad.::
::Washing up is strangely therapeutic.::
::Postponing unpleasant tasks does not make them any easier, but under certain circumstances it can give you the time to build the emotional strength.::
::Loneliness is a rather bipolar companion, at times restful and at times violently painful.::
::And whatever is happening, the Earth rolls on, the clouds roll by and the minute hand rolls round. However much you want them to go in the opposite direction.::
Saturday, September 5, 2015
It's been awhile, internet-y-folks. There has been much change and drama.
There was the unexpected new job, with new challenges, new responsibilities, and much stress and joy.
This was followed by unexpectedly getting a place on the scheme of my dreams, which means four years of moving around learning all sorts of fabulous things and having the chance to make a difference in some small way and getting to spend much more time with my family and loved ones 'back home' and getting paid for it.
Underneath all this was the rumbling, painful, horrible tummy ache of I'm-not-sure-this-relationship-is-right-for-me. A tummy ache of now nearly two years' duration. And I realise that much of my life - my location, my hobbies - has been built up around my relationship, and I'm horrified to find that I'm not sure what I want in life. But I'm desperately afraid that this is precisely what I don't want.
I'm in the process of moving - moving backwards and forwards at the same time, going home while simultaneously stepping - leaping - into new adventures. But much remains unresolved.
When life is confusing, I start knitting jumpers. I guess you guys know the feeling.