Squaring the circle

So I tried to slow down, but I didn't manage it. I'm not sure how much is my skill (or lack thereof) and how much the line of work I'm in is inherently incompatible with slowing down and simplifying.

There's just so much and I'm just so far from getting it right the first time. Redrafting the same document four, five, six or more times is so down-heartening. Today I was in the office from 8.30 in the morning until 8.10 in the evening, with about twenty minutes to eat lunch. I was almost nodding off at my desk but when certain things just have to be done before you leave, what choice do you have?

It's frustrating because I know that the later I stay, the more tired I get, the worse and less I sleep, which means the next day I'm less focused and less productive. It's a negative cycle but I don't know how to break it. I've reached the tiredness point - I haven't been here since just before my exams when I was 18 - when I find blank walls utterly captivating because they're so calm and my brain gets to rest.

I still think it might be possible - I still want it to be possible - to have a full-time ambitious career in an area I care about (public policy) without sacrificing all other areas of my life. I so want there not to be an irreconcilable conflict, but I'm beginning to doubt this.

It's not all bad news - tomorrow I have the day off and my father is visiting. I'll have time for a little housework, a little baking perhaps, and some gazing at blank walls. I've got a cup of tea next to me (my own home-prepared combination of chamomile, calendula and lavender) and you lovely people to talk to. And I'm indulging in one of the most comforting and least taxing books I know - 'Cherry Cake and Ginger Beer' by Jane Brocket. It is technically a recipe book, but each recipe is introduced, talking about who eats/drinks it and in which book, musing on memories of reading them, and taking me on a delightful tour of childhood memories. They are all recipes as enticing in imagination as in reality, especially as the imagination supplies the environment - on Wild Cat Island after a midnight naval battle, or in front of the range wrapped in a shawl in the Little White Cottage With The Thatched Roof.

Picture nicked from amazon.com

I'll be back tomorrow with a more positive frame of mind.

Our own adventures

I'm having a very decadent Sunday curled up with a cup of tea and some Narnia films. And I'm pondering on the subject of adventures.

Something I have observed is that, in my own procrastinating-y escapist-y way, I tend to watch films, read books or blogs etc on a given subject rather than living it. Rather than doing the washing up, running a mop around this place or getting the sewing machine out, my instinct is to watch Little Women for the thousandth time or delve into the archives of another simple living blog. I find it easier to experience my adventures vicariously through other people's experiences than to knuckle down and have my own.

I think I am getting a bit better at this - at turning away from the screen to pick up a broom or some knitting needles. Slow progress, but progress it is.

But I do wonder why it is so hard. All stories are on some level about the adventure of life, and you can have an adventure without ever going beyond your front door. Yet real life sometimes seems less entertaining than the fantasy world, where we see all the sweeping vistas and epic battles and profound moments without the drudgery, the endurance, the battles to drive onself on which take place every day, every hour, every minute. 

Whether we're battling with a Tolkien-esque mountain or simply trying to work through a backlog of dirty laundry, it seems monumental, overwhelming, and we have to take one step at a time. But climbing the mountain seems more glamorous; we definitely underestimate the challenge - and thus the satisfaction  (I hope) - of small battles, unnoticed but important achievements, in every day lives.

 

I often feel so far from where I want to be that I wonder why bother. Why not just stay on the sofa in my pajamas with endless cups of tea?

If the characters - and real historical figures - in our favourite stories had stayed on the sofa revisiting their favourites, they would never have had the adventures we love to read. So I'm just going to pause the film now to do some washing up. If I can use other people's adventures to motivate my own, then it is a positive force in my life, not just a tool for procrastination.

Distractions

Do you get these periods? Maybe it's just me. I periodically seem to sort of 'switch off' for a week or so. I don't really engage with anything, and all I seem to want to do is reread old books and rewatch old movies that I've read/seen a million and twelve times (roughly).

I know this is not ideal - this is very much a retreat from the frontier of life, and it's extremely unfair on my boyfriend who starts wondering if he's annoyed me somehow. It says a lot about my lack of self-discipline that it takes me so long to pull myself out of it. But I'm out again now! And trying to catch up on the housework that I allowed to pile up.

During these detached, unproductive and undisciplined moments, I find myself re-reading books by LM Alcott and similar, in which the characters openly discuss their battles against their weaker instincts in a journey to be 'good' human beings, with value not just through their jobs or their material possessions but through growth and relationships. There's something ironic about reading rather than living this kind of life, and I find myself thinking 'what would Darryl Rivers do?' (She certainly wouldn't be inside blogging on a day like this!)

I am now enjoying once again the lovely feeling of being lazy and productive at the same time. Thank you, oh thank you industrial revolution! for giving us the washing machine. Is there a better feeling in life than curling up with a cup of tea, smug in the knowledge that the laundry is being washed and the bread being baked while I sit and relax? 

Bitten by the baking bug

So what is it about Great British Bake Off that has me dusting off my apron and tutting at the poor array of baking equipment in my cupboard? (Seriously. Can't even do a Victoria sponge.) 

I seem to have been bitten by the baking bug. In the last week, I have made: one loaf of white bread with linseeds (and who'd have thought that the humble linseed could so totally transform bread?); one batch of rotis, ginger and oat cookies, chocolate chip and walnut biscuits, and now I have a teeny tiny batch of meringues in the oven. I've never made meringues before, but I've been meaning to try for a while, and with an egg white left over from the biscuits, I thought - why not? The world's smallest batch of meringue ever made. Fingers crossed they come out well.

The times, they are a-changing

So the move is almost upon us, and I can proudly announce that I will be moving house in the most eco-friendly way possible - by train. (That's not the reason, it's actually cheaper because my boyfriend gets these vouchers from work, which give him money off green stuff like train travel). However, the flipside of this is that I can only take what I can carry with me - one suitcase and a big rucksack. That's not a huge amount of stuff, but we're leaving some here.

So there's a lot of emotional stuff flying around right now - I've had an interesting year here, and I think I've learned a lot, but I also feel that I let a lot of opportunities pass me by. Places I didn't go, museums I didn't see, people I didn't befriend as thoroughly as I could have... Some of it was beyond my control - I spent a lot of this spring helping my parents with stuff, but a lot of it was just due to laziness, bluesiness and apathy on my part. I have an ongoing problem with apathy, and it frustrates me no end because I feel that by this age I should be able to get on with tackling problems like a sane adult, rather than putting my head in the sand and hoping they'll go away!

Somehow, I never manage to convert this sense of general regret into a determination to get more out of the next experience - always the apathy and always the sense of lost opportunities. But I'm going to try, this time. Maybe I should make a list? :-)

On Resolution

(1) Rediscover silence. There is no opportunity for quiet here, really. Everywhere you go there is background noise, usually music. This is a nation obsessed with music - in the metro stations (where they play classical music in the evenings to keep drunken youths out!), in supermarkets, in shopping centres. Add to this a house in which at least three of the following can always be heard: a loud and violent game on X-box, CSI or similar on the tv, The Big Bang Theory on a laptop in the SAME ROOM as a tv, a very loud boiler, a poppity-ping, and someone running up or down stairs. This is not a recipe for tranquillity and contemplation. I think I am distracting myself too much with the delights of youtube and my DVD collection, so I think a little more reflection and quietness would not go amiss.

(2) Stop sitting still. This may sound like it contradicts (1) but it's part of the whole trying-to-avoid-meaningless-distraction. And also getting more exercise, which boosts my mood and my energy levels. Ideally, this becomes a postitive cycle. Anyway, the idea is that when I've got an hour to kill, I go for a walk or cook a more elaborate meal rather than watching youtube and eating speculoos biscuits.

(3) Don't wait. This really is the key resolution for this year. If there's something I want to do, I'm going to try and make it happen. I have a tendency to wait - I'm not really sure what for. For it to happen on its own, or for someone else to guess and make it happen for me - I have no idea. But it really would be a waste for me to spend my time waiting for something which I could have achieved or experienced in the same amount of time.

Notably absent from this list are the things which people (read: my parents) would probably like to see. Key to these being punctuality, being more accountable, and getting a decent job. My current attitude is that, if I can incorporate the three ideas above into my life more effectively over this next year, then things like punctuality and accountability will naturally follow. I'll keep telling myself this, thank you very much.